Fifty shades of me

I promised myself that I would write at least one post in English by the end of the year so I figured I should do it now. I used to be good in English once upon a time but I haven’t really had any chances to speak or write the language in a really long time, so I apologize for any mistakes. Here we go.

I had a dream last night. I was walking down the street when everyone around me suddenly surrounded me and looked at me, clearly waiting for something. Somehow I knew that I was supposed to give a speech. ”I don’t want to”, I said. They kept staring at me so I finally figured I should give a short speech so that they would leave me alone. But everytime I opened my mouth, someone started talking. ”Stop interrupting me!”, I snapped but it didn’t help. Everyone was still looking at me and I felt annoyed, awkward and humiliated.

I was still feeling that way when I woke up. Why? Because I’m an introvert and that is like my worst nightmare.

Being the center of attention or trying to have a conversation with a group of people is so far from my comfort zone that I can’t even see it anymore. It relly isn’t easy living as an introvert in a world created by extroverts. I spend most of my time trying to avoid situations where I should engage in small talk with strangers or even familiar people. I just honestly have nothing to say and me sitting there quiet and awkward is considered rude.

I like to talk about the real stuff. Life. Love. Heartache. Feelings. I do not like to talk about the weather. But I can’t really talk about the real stuff with strangers or people I work with, can I? So I would rather avoid the situations where small talk is required. How much do you really have to say about the weather anyway? It’s like, ”the weather is really nice today”, ”yes it is” and… Awkward silence.

Don’t get me wrong – I really do like people and I like spending time with my friends and even meeting new people. Those people just have to touch my heart in some way for me to be comfortable with them. I found this quote that I can really relate to:

”I like being alone. I have control over my own shit. Therefore, in order to win me over, your presence has to feel better than my solitude. You are not competing with another person. You are competing with my comfort zones.”

Some of my friends might feel weird about my introversion. They say: ”What are you talking about? You are a party girl!” Indeed. Getting drunk is a great cure for introversion. Then I can talk with anyone about anything – and have so much fun with everyone! But by the time I get home I am so tired that I just want to croll into my bed and never see anyone ever again.

Funny thing is that I work in human resources – recruiting to be exact – which means that I meet and talk to new people every day. I believe that introverts are actually great recruiters because we have a talent for listening. We understand people. We see them.

As the new year is just around the corner I would like to make a resolution. In 2016 I will learn how to engage in small talk without feeling the need to run away. Well okay, I will probably still feel the need to do that but I will not run away! Happy New Year everybody!

I was alone at the office for two days because everyone else is on vacation. And it was awesome!


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